Some romance ;)

I wrote this two years ago. Thought of posting it only now...

April, 2007

Sometimes it amazing… and sometimes I wonder how and many more times, I ponder why??? Is it something that happens to everyone or am I an exception? Should I rejoice that I am compatible to various situations, that I am adaptable? Or should I shun myself for changing colors and loyalties? And that, at a pace almost as fast as the flutter of my eye-lid.

What a wired dilemma… it’s like asking are the monsoons cool or simply too murky and slushy??? Are the rains just right to drench and dance or to stay away from and never feel the water droplets hit against the dry skin and soak through the layers of clothes…? But all the same, I question myself… and why or rather why not???

Well, its only about 5 months since this man walked into my life… and it wasn’t exactly like waves go dashing into each other or like new blossoms touch each other and spread a wild fragrance… it was like meeting just anyone else… may be at work…may be at a party… just about anywhere… so, I met him one day… and when I met him I never once did expect my heart to do a cart wheel… and to that effect I was right. I didn’t shy, didn’t blush, no super fast heart beats… just nothing to bring an indication of what was to come.

And then, within a few minutes, a relationship was formed, a bond set and a new phase of life opened. It opened quiet so fast that I couldn’t exactly figure what was happening, except that I was smiling all the time, spent very less time at home with family, had no inclination to work, wrote innumerable emails… most one liners, to someone I met like a week ago, and then somewhere down the line, said the three magical words… and even when we exchanged those, it wasn’t like a hurricane of emotions… but was more of a solid grounded feeling; like I would have said it sometime sooner or later.

And then, there was a sudden rush all around me, people, places, relationships out of the blue… everything stood at a hair-pin bend and then, even as I took seven short, tender, yet firm steps safe knowing that my hand was held… everything changed. All within a couple of minutes, the entire scene, the whole world as I had seen it for 24 years… it all changed. Yes, my mum was still my mum and that she would always be. But… now I was also someone else’s daughter (in-law), the only 2 men in my life till then had been dad and bro… and now (legally, cause otherwise the man had walked in about 1 month ago and dad hadn’t spoken to me for over a week when that happened) there was another man… and probably the most important one. Also, the way the world saw me was now drastically different, with many more ornaments adorning me, with more color on my face than I ever wore… and most importantly as someone’s wife…

And after many tumultuous moments in the 5 months that passed since I took those steps and wore the black beads… today when I see myself, I feel more close, more connected to this man who hardly talks, who stays at office 3 nights a week, who is so totally different from me… and yet compliments me so perfectly. Not that it’s not the same with my family… its just that somewhere deep within it seems like he IS family.

And now, when he has gone away… now… don’t mistake that, he’s home for two days and already those two days seem like eternity… most girls would have jumped at that opportunity to go stay at mum’s place… but I… wouldn’t mind going there but would prefer staying at HOME… and when that thought crossed my mind, I set thinking… should I be happy that I am adaptable or should I shun myself for shifting loyalties… but then also, wouldn’t a wife be loyal to her better half… and so, I am to my hubby… he is quiet, peaceful, ambitious and amongst the most love able persons that I have come across… on the day, when I met him, I had no inkling that today, 5 months down the line, I would be swept by such a strong torrent of emotions… emotions of love, of longing, of adoration… all for my Siddhartha…

Fairy tales will be just that...

Fairy tales will be just that… fairy tales. A stretched bit of imagination, a dream, a wish, a fantasy which life will never concede to you. Each of us grows up with a fairy tale concocting a sweet desire in our little heads. Some of us learn early in life- the difference between reality and the dream. Most of us, though we know that reality and dreams have palatial houses on opposite horizons, still choose to rely on that eternal feeling called Hope; a fleeting feeling that leaves a lasting impression- gives us a crutch that won’t take us far and leads us to a point on the cliff where both hanging and falling are just as fatal.

There is one such fairy tale with me too. A fairy tale that conjured dreams; those dreams spiraled into desires; the desires built dreamland in my brain… a dreamland that I wanted oh-so-badly as a reality; a dreamland that made me cling to the last shreds of hope and do everything in and out of the book to live that dream… only to know that the fatal fall makes life a survival… a survival struggle not worth fighting.

But, I am born a fighter and that’s half the battle. So true to instinct, I fought, I fight and waged this terrible war inside of me – a war that had defeat smeared all over it even before I decided to step on the battleground. After years of thrashing about, resisting the situation, I finally realized the truth in the statement ‘whatever you resist will persist’. Today, I am bogged down by the war, over powered by the situation and the dream has been broken; reality is staring at me and I can do nothing but fight back the tears and accept the situation. Like it or hate, but know that this is how it is and facing it would be the sign of a real fighter…

The broken dream weighs down heavily. A fable that told the saga of youth, of dreams unwoven, of radiant hopes, of roads less tread; a fairytale dream that will remain just that… a fairytale.

A strange emptiness

A sense of loss for someone I barely knew; a sense that something has left me… gone far away, never to return; a very strange sense of vacuum - so often did my eyes well up, but not a tear drop rolled down; so many fleeting memories flashed by- things I never remembered, never even probably registered suddenly presented themselves before me.

The last 2 days brought before me- in such close proximity, an event of life that I never really thought about, sometimes even joked about and more often than not thought I was prepared for… but then, no one can ever really be prepared for it… it is an event that walks in on tip toe and goes away with a bang. I am left with a strange sense of emptiness- a void- called Death.

They say death is a thing of grandeur; it suddenly brings to life a host of relationships that you never you shared with the one gone-by. I so totally agree. For someone who has seen death at workplace so often, I thought I could sail through this one… after all, I have seen blast victims, flyover collapse and dead bodies strewn around me, thought it always disturbed me, left me unnerved, I guess work pressure was so high that I never really had the time to grieve. Of course, images of the blast sites haunt me until date…

But, then I had never seen death of someone ‘my own’, ‘related’ etc… and when Saturday brought me the news, though I kind of expected it, something in me suddenly went still. After I saw him lying there, lifeless, limp, still and when they took him away and I knew I could never see him again, something changed… a realization that between the first in-breath and the last out-breath, this phenomenon called life, deserves to be lived to its fullest. Each breath to be utilized to its optimum and each word and action to bring more relief on this planet, we call home.

Birthday Bash!

Forgive my delayed post... I was still walking down from heaven, from a fantastic, fun vacation full of surprises for my dearest better half! So, what was the excitement about? It was Siddhartha’s birthday on Friday and the evening was overflowing with activity lined up for him... all of them surprises, starting with a trip to ISB where his (and incidentally mine as well) Art of Living teacher and friend was waiting to wish him. Ah! The look on Sid’s face when he met Vinod... after a long drive to Barista and lotsa catching up with Vinod, we let high and dry from Barista (welcome the Hyderabad power cuts!) to rush to Shalu and Kanishka’s place... there was an emergency you see! We were even made to give distant blessings ;) and when we finally enter their home, we find a bunch of enthu friends waiting to smear cream on his face. Ok Ok! I confess, I spear headed that team of butter facial providers... (I will post birthday pics once Ramesh, Shridhar and the others please pass them to me...)

After a delectable dinner conjured by our very own star Chef, Shalu... (Thanks for that lip smacking sattavic pav-bhaji) we left for a long long drive to a location that the birthday boy knew nothing about... he was merely following driving directions you see... and just before mid night... we checked into a weekend of pleasurable pursuits ;) (Now, don’t you get your minds working overtime...) At the Pragati Resorts, we played, swam, walked, relaxed... had tonnes of fun... got ayurvedic massages done, sang, danced, meditated... (Yes...we did meditate. So, there is a Knowledge Sheet by His Holiness Sri Sri Ravi Shankar ji about vacations. He says, something on the lines of... you can go everywhere, see as many places as you wish but don’t forget to make breathing and meditation a part of your vacation. So, well, we did meditate!)

PS. By the way, the resort is beautiful... must visit... only please DON'T go on weekends, when all the corporate houses will bring their bunch of over enthusiastic employees who cant see beyond a swimming pool and loud, obnoxious music

That was a sneak peek into our holiday!

!!!!!!!

It's finally here... after a long wait, counting days, hours & minutes... it's finally here. For four days, I simply couldn’t contain myself, was bursting with excitement, day dreaming, imagining, planning, re-planning and planning again... new dreams, the exhilaration, it was palpable! And now, that the day has dawned... am still excited, but not quite as much... It’s true... the fun lies in the waiting, the love dawns in the longing... Anyway, let’s put-off the gyaan for another day... right now, I am on the verge of doing shoulder-stands and cartwheels... the surprises are in store for the evening... I can’t wait to see his response/reaction to all that is lined up! All of that and more when we are back next week... with lots of pictures! ;)